Brownies Are Now Pinkies

Update on the soother situation - it's one step forward, two steps back. M. is putting up more of a fight than I thought he was capable of. I will break him and he will sleep again. He has his fourth-month shots today so it probably won't be tonight. I plan to dope him up with Tylenol and hope for the best.

As for the title of this one, when I was picking up J. at preschool today, I noticed all these little girls running around in all-pink ensembles, then I noticed the sash with badges and my heart sank. They were Brownies, no longer wearing brown. They looked like little Barbies and it just made me sad. Yet another great childhood memory destroyed. Well, I guess my great memories of my Brownie experiences weren't destroyed, but just knowing that the integrity of the organization and all that it stood for was gone was heartbreaking.

Yet another reason I'm glad to have boys. I'm sure the Boy Scouts aren't all decked out in Buzz Lightyear or Lightning McQueen gear to appeal to whatever trend is hot. I'm sure they are wearing what they have always been wearing, but some genuius at the Girl Guides organization, in a knee-jerk reaction to declining enrollment, probably came up with the hot pink idea. And how backwards, degrading, and insulting to female intelligence is that? Yes, I know little girls like pink, but would it kill them, for an hour or two a week, to be part of an organization that focuses on personal achievement, sisterhood, learning, and challenging oneself rather than fashion? I'm sure Agnes and Olvae Baden-Powell rolled over in their graves when this came into effect.

I will still buy and eat their cookies, but I am feeling a bit soured towards the organization. I don't know what happened to the whole female empowerment movement in recent years, but it seems to be in cahoots with Paris Hilton and her ilk. Serenity now!

The Day The Soother Died

Well, we had an intervention and M. is going cold turkey off the soother and he is jonsing bad for it. He'll be four months old this week and I figured it was high time he learned that the world is in fact a cruel place and life is one crushing disappointment after another until you just wish Flanders was dead. (Sorry had to throw a "Simpsons" quote in for the one person who I know reads this for sure and will get it, R.H., aka "daboss".)

I had spent the past five? seven? ten? nights awake most of the night trying to convince the pint-sized terror that he wanted his soother and wanted to sleep to no avail. It was a vicious cycle, to say the least, and when I found myself wanting to punch him in his cute little baby head (but of course not acting on that impulse, although a few more nights without sleep and I'm not sure what I'd be capable of) I figured that if we were going to be up all night crying and screaming and awake, at least it would be on my terms.

It's been a rough 38 hours and while nighttime is hard, when I am truly at my weakest and want to take it all back is when we're in public and he's having a hissy fit. I know the soother will make it all better (and shut him up), but I'm willing to risk having people think I'm a terrible mother if it means we all eventually start sleeping. I'm sure they'll think I'm a much more terrible mother when I get arrested for trying to sell himn on Craigslist and they get to read about me in the paper.

Last night he got a bit of a respite as I feel asleep during our 1:44 AM feeding so he got to sleep with us, and did so with nary a fuss, for the rest of the night. But we won't be doing that again as it's just subsituting one crutch for another. After he gets over this hump and has a few days of happiness again, I'm going to stop the middle of the night feeding and rock his world all over again. Poor kid, not even four months old and the party's over. I think he's started teething too, so misery abounds.

In happy baby new, M. rolled over from back to front for the first time today and did it a few times so it really, really counts! He was very proud of himself, if not a little confused as to what had just happened. I'm sure crawling is just around the corner! Batten down the hatches!

A Man's Opinion

So, while no one else wanted to touch my last post and comment, after reading it, D. came upstairs and said, "You forget that while those kids mom is Jenna Jameson, their dad is going to be Tito Ortiz. They will be the perfect mix of sex and agression."

I think that just about sums up the male mind in a nutshell. What am I in for? Really, I do think I'm going to need some sort support group come the teen years when it will be testosterone city around here. Maybe sooner.

Uber-M.I.L.F.!*

* M.I.L.F. - Mom I'd Like to F--- (I thought everyone was familiar with that term, but recently came across someone who wasn't and had to explain. It was a bit awkward. Does no one watch the best show on television, "30 Rock"? There was a hilarious episode last season with the best reality show ever, "M.I.L.F. Island". "30 Rock" premieres on Thursday, October 30 - give Tina Fey some love people!)

Okay, back to my real point. Some of you may not even know who Jenna Jameson is, but she is probably the most famous female porn star in the world. I've never seen her work, but I know of her mostly because she is currently dating Tito Ortiz, who is an Ultimate Fighter, and my big boy, not the 3-year old, but the one to whom I am legally married, is obsessed with all things UFC (Ultimate Fighting Champion? Championship?).

So Jenna is now retired, but from my understanding, she was not on the softcore end of the pornography world, she was up for just about anything. When I first heard that she was pregnant, I thought "now there's a woman who should not be having children". Not because I disagree with her choice of profession. As far as I'm concerned, consenting adults can do whatever they want to do, but I more thought about what life will be like for the child of a woman who starred in such films as "Up and Cummers 10". It seems a little selfish to subject a child to that.

And then I thought about what would be worse. To be the daughter or son of Jenna Jameson? After not-that-extensive musing, I have decided that a boy would be worse. Let's face it, by the time this kid is 14, every single one of his friends is going to have seen parts of his mother that he probably hasn't seen since birth. And that won't be the worst of it. How many times is he going to have to hear someone jeeringly ask him if his mom breastfed him?

And that's going to last his entire life. He'll be in a job interview and will just know that the guy interviewing his is imagining his mother in all sorts of situations I won't describe here. He'll be at a bachelor party where people don't really know him and someone will pop on some "retro porn" and there will be his mother again, doing things I won't describe here.

But then if she had a daughter, every guy is going to assume that she is some over-sexed nympho. The teen years are already hellish enough without that albatross around your neck. Heck, all you have to do is develop boobs early and every guy assumes you're easy (so I've heard)!

And lucky Jenna, there won't be just one baby, but two as she's been "blessed" (translation = invitro fertilization) with twins. I think this really is the silver lining in all this because at least these poor kids will have each other to lean on. There will be someone who understands exactly what the other is going though.

But then other porn stars must have kids. Maybe they have a support group already? I know I'd need one.

Some of the things I will miss being an M.O.B.

• No cute patterned tights with skirts.
• No one to hand down my wedding dress to (I figured I should just sell it now but D. talked me out of it. First time he's been sentimental in his life I think!)
• Once they are grown and in relationships, I will always just be the mother-in-law.
• Watching "chick flicks" alone.
• No pink tutus and first ballet class. This coming from the woman who is about as graceful as a drunk rhino. Who knows, maybe grace would have skipped a generation?

That's about it. I'm sure a few more things will pop up over the years, but that's really about it. A fairly short list and nothing that can't be gotten over quite easily. Let's just say I'm not losing any sleep over it (although I am losing lots of sleep for other reasons!).

On the plus side, having another boy has probably saved us tens of thousands of dollars as I will not need to shop for new adorable girl clothes. There are a lot of cute clothes for boys out there, but for every one cute boy thing, there are at least 10 cute girl things.

On the down side, poor M. is probably rarely going to have anything new to wear (or play with) that hasn't been handed down from his big brother. And I'm sure J. will make a point of reminding him of that fact all the time. As a middle child of three girls, that bugged me a bit growing up, but hopefully boys don't care about that kind of stuff. And he does have a few new things that are his alone.

It's been a trying week without much sleep so this may come across as a little uninspired. We're trying to convince M. that he wants to sleep alone and though the night. He's not really going for it. I'm pretty sure he can sense my fatigue and weakness and is using it against me. Although I remember from last time, just when you got to the point where you thought you could not handle it for a second more and were mentally drafting the Craigslist posting to sell your baby, they tend to return from the dark side. It's like they just need to let you know who's really in charge and what they are capable of.

Stay tuned for my next missive on "Terrorists and Infants: A Contrast/ Comparison of their Techniques & Tactics".