Christmas Musings

Okay, this one really has nothing to do with boys, but I can only talk about how rambunctious my two monkeys are for so long before people start to get bored. So I’ve been mentally composing this for the past week and just now, while M. is sleeping snugly in his car seat on the kitchen table and J. is at preschool, I finally have time to get it out of my head and onto the blog. I have one hour before I have to go pick up J. at school so I’d better be quick.

Okay, so it’s the Christmas season and I’ve got the “Holiday Hits!” music station on our PVR playing almost 24 hours a day. What I’ve realized is that virtually everyone on this planet who has taken a piss near a recording studio has cut a Christmas album. Seriously. The first day, after hearing a parade of one-hit wonders, unknowns, and icons from decades past, I jokingly thought to myself “What next? A Glass Tiger Christmas song?” and lo and behold, a few hours later a bloody Glass Tiger song came on. I am now holding out for Honeymoon Suite, but nothing yet. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. (An apology to my few American readers, Glass Tiger and Honeymoon Suite were Canadian hit-makers in the 80’s. You will have never heard of them, but they were big up here. Really.)

Honestly though, if you were any sort of child star, you have a Christmas album. If you were a contestant on American Idol, you have a Christmas album. If you had one hit in the past 60 years, you have a Christmas album. Remember Sixpence None The Richer, known for their one hit, “Kiss Me” – as in “kiss me, beneath the milky twilight, kiss me, here on the green, green grass”? They have a Christmas album. How about Jon Secada of “Just Another Day” (I, I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to find another way, to make it though the day without you)? He’s got a holiday album too. I think my favourite so far, though, other than Glass Tiger, has been Scott Grimes. As in that red-headed kid who is (was?) on “ER”, was on “Party of Five”, and also, cut a Christmas record. What next – Joey Lawrence sings “Oh Holy Night”?

The two biggest somewhat legitimate singers who are crucifying (sorry, bad analogy?) the holiday songs are Christina Aguliera (or Xtina to fit with the holiday theme) and Jessica Simpson. Both are students of the school of over-singing, but at least Xtina has talent. However, her version of “The Christmas Song”, the Mel Torme classic, has a dance beat to it and to me sounds suitable only for a gay holiday cruise. When I hear it, I have visions of buff, waxed, well-groomed young men in Speedos dancing in my head. Oh, and these men are dancing too. It’s really quite awful. Not my thoughts of the attractive gay men dancing, but the song. It really is unlistenable. For me, Christmas songs are like breakfast. You don’t mess with them. You perform, or serve them, they way they were meant to be. No pineapple salsa on my French Toast, a la Milestones Restaurant, and no disco Mel Torme. As for Jessica Simpson, what she does to songs is a travesty. Actually, it’s not the songs, it’s her voice. She over-sings, and trills and runs them all over the place until your ears want to bleed. She should stick to plopping her name on products that other people design, like her shoes and fake hair lines, and stay away from performing.

Now onto another holiday rant. What does sexy lingerie have to do with the birth of baby Jesus? Victoria’s Secret has their big fashion show on TV in November, just in time for the holidays. There’s ads everywhere promoting lingerie as a great holiday gift. Now, being a godless heathen, the holidays have always been about family, food, and helping those less-fortunate, and this even offends me. So I’m not quite sure how the lingerie lobby managed to get this past the god-fearing Christians. The two concepts do not seem to jibe. I don’t get it. “Merry Christmas, honey. I bought you some see-though panties, garters and thigh-highs, and a push-up bra. It’s what Jesus and the Virgin Mary would have wanted.” Someone explain it to me.

Now on to my holiday movie recommendation list. You’ve probably seen most of these, but these are the ones I need to watch each December. And yes, there are a lot.

Not For the Wee Kiddies
The Ref http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110955/
- Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey, and Judy Davis showcasing family dysfunction at its best. My favourite line: “Tell you what mom. Next year for Christmas I’m going to get you a big wooden cross so any time you’re feeling under appreciated, you can just climb up on there and nail yourself to it.”

Bad Santa http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/
- Not for the faint of heart. Raunchy, raunchy, raunchy.

Love Actually http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0314331/
- Touching, sad, funny, real. Plus Colin Firth!

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/
- Who doesn’t love the Griswald’s? And Cousin Eddie, of course.

Then we get into the classics that the whole family can enjoy:

A Christmas Carol (Alistair Sims, black & white version)
Muppet Christmas Carol
It’s a Wonderful Life
Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas
The Grinch (the classic cartoon version – but the Jim Carrey one is good too)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey

Comment with your favourites if there's any I missed!

Wait, I can bring this back to boys. For the most part, the above movies are touching and have messages of hope and goodwill. Guess what movie is my husband’s favourite holiday film … Die Hard. I’m not sure anyone else classifies that as a Christmas movie, but since it takes place at a Christmas party, according to D., it’s a Christmas movie. I’m going to be watching most of these films alone in the years to come, aren’t I. See how being a M.O.B. is going to shape my whole life going forward?